The White Soldiers Go Marching One by One

“The little white soldiers go marching one by one hoorah…hoorah.” Leave it to an early ed teacher to make a song out of this! My little white soldiers did just that this past week. They marched! Thanks to my grandma and her visualization of little white soldiers, I have somehow managed to keep my white blood cell counts up just high enough to receive treatment. They will not treat me if my count drops below 1.0 and the past two Fridays my count has been 1.4. This feels like a tiny miracle (tiny but mighty)! My sister Lindsey sat with me for part of the time last week and before they checked my counts, I said, “Let’s quickly visualize the little white soldiers.”  We both closed our eyes and visualized them marching. After this brief moment, we both laughed. She said she was picturing little white marching band men. I laughed because that too is how I was picturing them. All white, head to toe, with a drum and a little feather on their hat! How did we have the same image? Well, if you know me and Lindsey, you know we have lots of similarities! So this is no surprise. Is this how grandma pictured them too? Maybe grandma was sending us these images. In any case, here we are at my 8th chemo session and the results show that we are good to go for another round!

So here I am, over half way done with my first rounds of chemo.  I have mixed emotions. I thought I would be more excited than I am.  However, the thought of doing everything over again is overwhelming and exhausting.  While I have made it through, I am starting to feel even more worn out.

Things are slowly changing for me. Even though I have expected these changes, it is difficult to experience them.  I am currently waiting for my hair to fall out. This is going to be hard. I am nervous as to what the boys are going to think. Will it make them scared, nervous, or  pull away from me? I don’t want them to have one ounce of uncertainty when it comes to their mama, and this will very well make them uneasy. Everyday I have more and more pieces come out. I am just sitting here thinking, is this going to be the day when it is so noticeable that I have to shave it?  I think this might be the next scariest thing for me. I have no interest in seeing myself without hair. However, I have no control over this. This is a lesson I keep learning through this journey. I have no control over any of this. The only thing I can control is my thoughts. And even these I can’t control at times.  Joe has reassured me that I will be beautiful bald too. I am so blessed I have him reminding me of that, because right now I am scared. 

Finding my marigold this week was easy, I have been surrounded with a village of family and friends. From my parents, sisters, children, and husband, to my friends from then and now. This week I even had a visit from an old college friend that I hadn’t seen in over 5 years! I actually found myself thinking, “How did I get so lucky to have all these visitors and people in my life?!” Lucky is an odd word to use during this very unlucky situation.  However, this is just how I feel. Lucky and blessed to be visited, lifted up, and surrounded with so many wonderful people from my past and present.