BEEP

I hear this beep. Randomly throughout the day. I know it comes from a watch, but have no idea where that watch is. I think I get close to where the sound is but then….silence. It’s gone again. I forget about it and go about my busy life until the next moment when that beep goes off again. After hearing this beep for over a year, you would think I would have it down to a science…where the beep comes from, what time (down to the minute )it will beep, etc. But for some reason, that beep is inconsistent and feels like it’s all over the place. A woman could go mad.

Recently though, I have found myself looking forward to that beep. It’s almost like a treasure hunt as to when and where it will be. My detective skills aren’t great, but what I do know is that the beep is from dad’s old watch. He gave my kids a couple of them when his wristband broke. It then fits a child rather than a grown man. This beep has now almost become a moment of connection with my dad. Is he talking to me? Is he reminding me that he is with me? Is he telling me “YES you should do that!!!”  Whatever it is, even if some of you believe it is nothing, I look forward to that beep.

This is the time of year those little beeps in life mean so much to me. The weather starts to chill, we all say goodbye to summer and all its excitement and we transition into a more uniformed lifestyle. Both have their perks but for me fall is hard. When you lose someone, you relive those last moments over and over and when the season changes and that time of year rolls around, you can almost expect that those emotions of how you felt the weeks, days, or moments of their death will appear in your mind like a silent movie that keeps rolling over and over and over. For me that is Fall. 

My dad died in the fall. His favorite season. It was beautiful. I know people don’t say that much, but it was beautiful to be there by his side, at the end. As the season changes to fall, I feel him so much. I can picture his hands, I can smell his shirt as I would hug him… a bit of oil or gasoline from equipment and outdoor everything, mixed with classic cotton. I close my eyes and take a breath hoping the scent is still there. During this time I take everything I hear, do, and experience as a sign from him to live my life.  “Do the big things, embrace the scary, and stand up for what’s right. “ I feel like that is what he is telling me. 

Today was a big day for me. A big opportunity came to me. The entire time that I was experiencing it I felt my dad orchestrating it all. He always believed in me. He believed in all of my sisters and my mom. He was good at telling us that. So, tonight when I was putting Edwin to bed I was reflecting on that experience that I had earlier. I thought “I wish I could call dad and tell him all about today. He would have loved it.” The exact moment that I thought it, Edwin said to me, “mommy with you pray that Mary prayer. Just keep saying it over and over.” As he said that, I started praying the Hail Mary and as I did just like that I was brought back to the moments of my dads death, as we sat around him praying the Rosary. The “Mary” prayer , over and over. And just like that, I knew my dad was with me today and saw my big moment. That movie that plays in my head is a movie that I may watch on repeat, but it keeps me close to him. And, that it is good. 

You will never believe this. As I finished that last sentence, the watch beeped. He is with me. He makes sure to tell me.