I was told the hardest chemo session is the first one. The unknown, the fear, the overwhelming thoughts of will it work, what will it do to my body, how will I get through this?  Knowing that the only thing that will make me better is also the only thing that will make me sick. And even worse, losing my hair! I love my hair! Well, the first chemo session was just that. The hardest.

I was all ready for my first session with my rosary, my Mary and St. Agatha necklace, everything to get me through this day.  Joe and I were together. We were sitting in our own private room, probably because I couldn’t stop crying and they didn’t want me to bring the spirits down of the other patients. In any case, there we were, ready to start fighting this cancer out of my body. They first flushed me with benadryl and other meds to get me ready and then it was time to start the chemo. They came in asked my date of birth and last name, it is all very official, then they hooked the chemo bag up to my port.  I remember holding Joe’s hand and saying “here we go.” Immediately following that I said to the nurse, “Wait I have really bad heartburn.” She looked at me and rushed over. I said, “Something is wrong, I am seeing spots, I can’t breathe,” and just like that I was having an allergic reaction to the one medicine that could save me. 

My nurse was amazing, pumping my IV with Benadryl and trying to keep me from closing my eyes by asking me to tell her my children’s names.  I remember looking at Joe and mouthing “I can’t breathe.” He just looked at me, with concerned eyes and mouthed back, “You’re going to be okay.”  This is when I knew this journey that I was on, he was on right along side of me, and it was going to be equally hard. 

Once the Benadryl kicked in, I was fine. It was extremely scary but I was in good hands. The next steps for treatment were going to be a bit more intense so that I wouldn’t have the allergic reaction. The next two treatments were spread out. What should have been a 2 hour infusion was now an 8 hour infusion. They were desensitizing my body. Along with that, I take 5 steroid pills 12 hours before treatment and then another 5, six hours before treatment. This seemed to be the ticket. Both sessions went smoothly and my body excepted the chemo.

My 3rd session was cancelled due to a low white blood cell count, but thanks to prayer and rest, this past Friday was a huge success. They shortened my time to about 5 hours instead of 8 and my body responded well!  Now, I just need to keep these white blood cells up and I will stay on track. 

The marigold in all of this is Joe. He is strong when I am weak, confident when I start to doubt, and steady when I am shaky.  Eight years ago we said our vows, in sickness and in health, we just didn’t think we would be honoring these vows so early on in our marriage. It is truly amazing how close and inseparable you become when you get a glimpse of not having a lifetime together. Your outlook changes. Little things that may have bothered you, don’t matter anymore. What matters is the seconds you have with each other. We could get mad and say this isn’t fair, but instead we are going to keep going and keep seeing those marigolds.  I know that Joe and I will still have a lifetime together. I also know, that after all of this, we will be stronger than ever as a family. That gives me that extra push to keep going.

I remember being very small and looking out at my Grandma’s garden. She had a long border of marigolds surrounding her other plants. They were so bright and cheerful. They gave me a sense of peace and happiness. As I started this journey with breast cancer, I found it very difficult to function; I didn’t know if I would ever smile again or if there would be a day that I would wake up and not think “I have cancer”. The heartbreak and fear was unbearable. However, I soon began to feel the prayer and support surround me as my sorrow became strength and power. I was not going to let cancer ruin my day, ruin my time with my children, and take my joy.  I would smile again. 

Through this dark time I had this beautiful image of my grandma’s marigolds. Perhaps an image she sent me to remind me it was all going to be ok.  I immediately smiled with peace and I thought to myself, I need to start seeing the marigolds, even in winter. So, here I am trying to find the positive, the light at the end of the tunnel, the marigold each day. 

 I don’t pretend to be a writer, but I do intend to update you as my family and I walk together through this illness. The millions of things that go in and out of my head each day need to find their way to the surface.  

Please pray for us.  We are, and will, get through this, but we need all the strength and support possible.

How this Journey Began

Many of you have questions as to when, how, and where we found out that I had stage 3 breast cancer.  All the questions that would help you to process the news the same way we needed to. 

It was just 6 weeks after my sweet angel baby Edwin was born. (I call him this because without him, I would not have found the lump that changed our lives forever.) I was breastfeeding Edwin, enjoying my maternity leave, and noticed a lump. While I was confident it was a clogged duct or something to do with breastfeeding, I made sure to notify my doctor at my 6 week post baby visit. I had had genetic testing done 5 years ago and knew that I had the Brca2 gene. Because of this, my doctor was extra cautious and sent me in to get a biopsy the following week. Still feeling no concern, we celebrated Thanksgiving, put up our Christmas tree, and spent time with family. 

A few days later I got the call no one was expecting. It happened just like in the movies. My doctor asked me to sit down and if I had time to talk. After that, I heard very little. I was in shock. So scared.

From there, the whirlwind began. We were hoping for good news each time we talked to a doctor but it seemed like it never came …”It’s stage 3, it’s in your lymph nodes, it’s aggressive,” and on and on. I began to lose faith. We were quickly set up with appointments after appointments, leaving very little time to process.  While I usually can find the positive in things, I found myself feeling deeper in a hole I couldn’t get out of.

 It wasn’t until about 2 weeks later that I felt the weight lift off my chest. I woke up and saw my children and smiled. I began to feel God walking along side of me, reminding me that is was going to be ok. I could see the marigolds again.  The prayers and support had reached my family and we began to breathe.

So now, I am fighting cancer, everyday, because cancer picked the wrong mama bear to mess with! I go to Chemo every Friday for the next 5 months. I have side effects and they are awful, but on the days I feel good, I am doing things and enjoying my family and friends. This is my new normal. My beautiful cousin who went through this before me told me to stick to my road map. My road map is 5 months of chemo, surgery, and then some more chemo or radiation. Yes, there are going to be detours. Yes, there will be forks in the road, but hopefully, there will be some alternate routes too! The ones with the best views.  The marigold in this, is that I have my husband, kids, family, and friends driving along side of me. And I do love a good old fashion road trip. 

Please look for my updates as we continue down this road. I will do my best to update you on progress. Thank you for your support and prayers. 

Joe and I wanted to personally thank you for the amazing generosity, through go fund me page, meal train, cards, gifts, and most importantly prayers. There really are no words to express our appreciation. It was less than a month ago when our lives were flipped upside down. We are scared, we are sad, but more than ever we are ready to fight this battle. Because of your love, prayers, and generosity in all ways, we have the strength to get through this, one day at a time. We feel your support and we are beyond humbled.

As you know we welcomed our 3rd baby boy just over 2 months ago. He is my angel baby. I truly believe that if it weren’t for him, I would not have found the lump that has changed our lives. I thank God every day for this blessing and I will continue to be thankful each day even during the hardest times. Thank you everyone. Our family is not alone in hardships, so we again thank you.

Finally, I want to leave this last note for now, my family has taken to this saying for me , tiny but mighty. And that is just what I intend to be. Thank you for giving me the strength to be mighty.