Face Time

I have a new meaning for the term “face time” since my diagnosis. It has nothing to do with my phone, but rather the seconds and minutes I’m awake and literally face to face with my children. This disease wears me out and it makes me sleep for long periods of time. Time that I should be awake and face to face with my family. This precious time each day gets taken away from me. So I “face time” as much as possible, engraving their sweet smiles in my memory even if it is a difficult day for me. I make sure they see my face and my smile too, so as to never forget me. This is our new face time. If there is a day that is worse for me, I find myself telling Joe, I need them to just see my face. So I play with them, read a story, or just cuddle. I start to envision a meter going up and down depending on how much “face time” I have with them. I make sure they have seen me enough in one day to gain a memory, feel loved, and be at peace. Mostly never to forget me.  

Before cancer struck, I would have never felt like I needed to clock my hours of time with my children. In fact, I was probably looking for breaks. But, now everything is different. I need them. They make me stronger because I have something to work for. 

My sister made Edwin a sign for his room that says  “God Knew My Heart Needed You.” It is so true. God gave me these sweet babies so that I would have the strength to get through this awful disease. And, when my heart starts to feel despair, I get to snuggle and “face time” my 3 sweet boys.  God certainly knew what my heart needed.

Last week I had another successful treatment! My mom has called it a mini miracle and I agree. This tiny but mighty girl is keeping her white blood cell count up! If I receive treatment tomorrow, it will make 6 chemo sessions in a row! (make sure to pray and envision those white soldiers for me!)  After that, I will have only 5 more sessions before surgery. I am feeling very hopeful. Things are going better than we had planned. My body is staying strong and my mind even stronger.

My Marigolds this week are Arland, Amos, and Edwin. Even though I find myself worn out, I have to remember it is from regular life, as well as chemo! For crying out loud, I have 3 boys and one is just a baby! Nonetheless, they are my light, my strength, my marigolds. God knew exactly what he was doing when he gave me my three cubs. He knew without a doubt this is what my heart needed.