The Journey

When I was first diagnosed, there was a feeling of hopelessness. I remember thinking on a daily basis, “I don’t want to die and how will I get through this?” One of the hardest parts about being diagnosed with cancer, or any illness, is letting the ones you love know about the tragic disease. Nothing can prepare you. I remember very clearly the night that I had told 3 of my close girlfriends. We met at Keys Cafe so they could see me. They just needed to see me. I found that many people just needed to meet with me after I shared the news with them. We sat in a booth at the back of the restaurant. All four of us were very quiet and teary eyed. We sipped on tea and soda for something to do as I poured out my fears. They felt that moment the way I was feeling it. And no words could fix it. I had cancer, a brand new baby, and a long road ahead of me. We were all stunned, sad, and scared. 

I thought I was going to feel that way forever. That there was no way I was going to make it through this journey that they call cancer. But slowly, I inched my way closer and closer to the finish line. 16 rounds of chemo, a double mastectomy and reconstruction, 25 rounds of radiation, and then something wonderful happened….

This past Thursday I went in for a PET scan. My doctor and I thought it would be good to see where I was at before I started my Chemo pill. I sat in this tiny room praying the rosary by myself as I waited for the scan. Finally it was time. 20 minutes of laying still, 20 minutes of scanning my body, 20 minutes of  wondering if I was cancer free. 

I got a call the next day (this past Friday). This was the best call I have had in a very long time. My doctor informed me that I had a clean scan! She saw NOTHING! I was finally cancer free. What seemed like a day that never was going to come, here it was. Right in front of me. To hold on to, to embrace, and to celebrate. After all, life should not just be lived, it should be celebrated. 

I started to think about all I have been through, all my family has been through, and wow do I feel grateful. This is the first time my baby gets to have a cancer free mama! There is so much living that I get to do and you better believe I will! 

I am still going to take the chemo pill. I will take it for about 4 months. This pill will help to prevent recurrence by 70%. I will take every percent I can so as not to go through this again. So, a little more treatment for a lifetime with my boys. 

My Marigold is being cancer free. But also going through cancer. There are moments that I have gained this past year that would never have happened if I didn’t have cancer. Moments like the one in Keys Cafe. While it was heart wrenching at the time, I hold it close in my heart. You can’t get that much closer to friends. Cancer has made me stronger than I ever thought I could be and even more than that, cancer has made me love so much harder. Who knew that cancer could be a blessing. 

As I take the next steps forward, I will take the chemo pill and continue my check ups. My doctor has said they will keep a close eye on me. I will continue to take one day at a time, because I don’t know what will be around the corner. Whatever it is though, I am prepared. Today, I celebrate life and the glory that God has graced me with.