What Is Normal?

In the quiet of my day (the brief quiet that is) I sat and started reflecting. This past year I have had a lot of lows and some highs. How can you not when you feel death is knocking at your door?  As I have said before, I was so afraid I was going to be a tragic love story. I couldn’t let that happen. During this time of reflection I was listening to a Mumford and Sons song with the lyrics “Just promise me that we’ll be alright” and I kept thinking about Joe and I holding on tight to each other, to our babies, and most importantly to the good news we received a few weeks ago. So, now that we have this news, when do I start to feel normal after the struggles and pain I just went through? You just do, I guess. You find yourself never quite the same, but even better, and then some special moments come that make you feel just that…NORMAL. 

A few weeks ago I had one of those special moments. A couple of my college girls came over to visit, have some wine, and celebrate life. These girls have been through the thick with me this year. Visiting me at home, coming to chemo, and sending lots of love and prayers daily. But this night was normal. There was very little talk of cancer and more talk of daily life. You forget how nice it is to talk about being a mom, the day to day kind of talk. Before I knew it, there I was…I found myself being normal. Man, did that feel nice! I am blessed to have friends like these to make me feel myself again, to reminisce about the good old days, and to talk about the bright future ahead. These friends have been with me in the years where I grew up, decided to be a teacher, found my husband, and had my babies. They have been with me through the ups and downs and now they are here for me, to help create “normal”. 

My new normal feels pretty good. I am currently still taking my chemo pills, twice a day for 4 months. The side effects are minimal. Dry hands (but whose aren’t with this pandemic?) and the hardest one, fatigue. However, I am not complaining. This is so much easier than actual chemo. For me, my cancer journey is still going, but it is getting easier with each step I take.

I will continue to have marigolds even as I heal. These marigolds remind me that there is brightness even in the darkest of days. My marigolds today are my college gals. They reminded me of my youth and allowed me to look forward to my future.  My bouquet of flowers keeps getting bigger and bigger. I am blessed.