I surrender

I poured myself a cup of coffee and added my dad’s creamer. That’s how little it has been since we lost him, he still has creamer in the fridge. Towards the end of his days he would love his squirrel mug filled with vanilla creamer and hot coffee. I had the luxury of pouring his coffee many days. I wish I still was. My mom gave me the extra large creamer after my dad passed. She bought it extra big, because we didn’t know when he would be called to heaven, but he was….before his creamer was gone. Now I sip my coffee and creamer and I wish I was sitting next to him with my 2 year old running around him yelling Bompa. One doesn’t really know how to let go of someone they love so dearly. It is the most unnatural, heartbreaking thing. For some reason this silly creamer is making me feel he is still here. What is going to happen when it’s gone? Will he really be gone? We hold onto the tangible things because we once held on to him. I spent so many days hugging him, snuggling with him, holding his hand, and kissing his cheek. I need something to hold on to now. So now, I am gripping my warm coffee mug and wishing I was holding his hand. 

His hands were the most beautiful thing. They once held me when I was little and too tired to walk to bed. They played frisbee with me in the backyard, they told me animated stories that made me feel like I was there, and they prayed with me when I was sick and hopeless. I then got my turn to take care of him and I held his hand as he finished his time on earth. His hands have been a part of my life and now I miss them .

To say it has been a rough two years is an understatement. Today I surrender.  While I physically and mentally went through the biggest battle of my life, it was nothing compared to the heartache I feel for the loss of my dad. Cancer got us again. This time it could not be stopped. It took a man that made the world feel welcomed by his genuine smile and gracious heart. We will never be the same. 

I wake up quite often thinking to myself, did this really just happen? Between fighting in my own war against a very aggressive cancer and then fighting for my dad, I am in a fog of reality or nightmare?  There is very little time throughout the day where I don’t think of my dad, or fearfully worry about my own health. Cancer is no joke. Cancer had changed me and my family forever. 

So yes, I surrender. I no longer have control over what happens next. I no longer can fix and change things. Cancer has its own plan and I am merely a victim of it.   So where do we go from here?  Believe me, I am searching for the marigolds on this gray, cold day. And, I know I will find them. But, it is going to take a bit more searching this time around. A person can only get hit so many times before we stay down for a little while. But, I promise, I will get up.  While cancer has hurt me so many times, I would say the past two years of being sick got me so much closer to my dad. He was able to take care of me again, he would pray with me, hold me, and share his wisdom with me. I believe that is my marigold.  Two unpleasant, difficult, scary years that gave me a deerper closeness to my dad in his last two years. Well, there you go, I did find a marigold amongst the weeds. And it’s still blooming.

My white flag is waving as I sit here with my coffee looking at a photo of my amazing father. I can’t wait until I can see him again. But today I sip, breath, pray and close my eyes and remember my dad. I surrender to the darkness and know that God has a plan to get us through.