To My Mom

Like everybody, some nights are great highs, some lows, and the rest are simply enjoyable. The kind that makes you feel peaceful, confident, and comfortable. Those are the good ones. Nothing can really shake you. No memory, no words, no drama can set you into an emotional spin, whether it is a high or a low. 

Tonight was a hard for me. When you grieve a loved one, it sneaks up on you when you least expect it. Completely, when you thought you had all your ducks in a row and you are “quote on quote” doing great! I was proud of my progress and then like a deer in headlights the memories, the visions, the smell of my dad came flooding back to me. It left me trying to catch my breath and asking myself again, did this really just happen?   There is no amount of time that can heal this hurt. 

However, tonight amongst my sorrow, I was thinking about my mom. If you don’t know her, you are missing out. She is the strongest, hardest working, most natural caregiver, and selfless person you will ever know. No wonder my dad was head over heels for her.  She is brave, kind, loyal, and honest. Just what you want in a mother, even when honesty hurts at times, you learn and you become better. She is so many things, but what I have learned most about this beautiful person is her adoration for my dad and the strength she has. She is surrounded by his memory every day and within that, she hurts and is in pain, but still manages to take care of the rest of us. How did we get so lucky to have two such amazing parents? 

I watch her suffer and then pull herself together, all within seconds. She is a pillar of strength. But as her daughters, we can see all she is going through and I just want her to know how proud we are of her. She does not need to be strong for us, we are here always, and will always be there.  I want to be strong for her. 

To experience the loss of a companion, soul mate, love of a life, husband, is incomprehensible, until it happens. I thankfully do not understand yet, but by her love and relationship she has had with my dad I can feel her pain and passion. Oh how I  wish I could take it away from her. There is no heartache like love. 

Mom, the good news is, we are here to hold you up, put your Christmas lights on a timer, take your shovels down from the rafters, mow your lawn, and be your companions. The bad news is, we can’t be dad. But we can live with dad in us and let him resinate out of our souls for everyone to feel his warmth. This I vow to do continually for you. Dad is always with us. And the days we need a little more comfort, we have each other.

Marigolds are getting grim this cold season, but the one I can make out is the relationship between a mother and her daughters. We are yours and you are ours. Together we will stand.