I Am the Storm

Today was one of those days that you don’t plan to have be an emotional meltdown, but somehow you find yourself a hot mess. If you have been following my Marigolds you know this journey I have been on has been far from exciting, pleasant, or enjoyable, BUT I am really trying to keep my marigolds going. 

So back to today….

This past week I had a small procedure done in my uterus. They had to put me under, do a D&C, and then they had to (the word I hate the most) do a biopsy. Yes, you read that right. The good news, to spare you any worry, my pathology report came back benign. Deep breaths. We are still cancer free. I have had some minor recovery since the surgery, but nothing I can’t handle. You would think this is where I lost my emotional stableness, but no, I handled this with grace and worry free. 

I continued on my days with laughter and time with my husband, kids, and mom. Wow, what a help she was. Life was seemingly as steady as it could be. I mean, let’s be honest we are dealing with a lot. Anyway, today was the day I lost it…All. Day. Long. 

I had an appointment with my dermatologist. I have to go every 6 months because, you guessed it, the Brca2 gene also can produce skin cancer. So for the past 8 years I have been going every 6 months. Spots get removed, others are fine, it’s the same thing every time. Never am I worried because I know I am being proactive and in good hands. I felt the same way going into the appointment today as well. Except for some reason today there was a spot on my face they were concerned about and had to remove. And yes, they said the word biopsy. They were going to take a biopsy. I assure you, this is nothing to me, it will probably all turn out fine, but today was the day I lost it. In this little clinical room, with the SWEETEST doctors, I cried.  Not just cried, but my chin was quivering cry.  They said, “Honey, are you in pain? Are you ok?”  To which I started bawling saying, “NO I AM NOT OK!” I proceeded to cry and tell them they were great because I didn’t want them to feel bad.  However,  while doing this, I told them “this is all too much. I am having PTSD from my cancer and can’t hear that word biopsy any more. ” They were amazing. So kind. But, I didn’t stop there. I then continued crying and saying “And my dad just died, from… you guessed it cancer! I am so sad, so broken, and I HATE CANCER!”

After calming down a bit, I thanked them for being so wonderful, apologized for being so emotional, and then watched them take my samples for yes….another biopsy.

It will be fine, but dammit, it has been too much. 

After this I got myself a coffee, picked up my boys, and spent the day with my mom. There and only there do I feel like I am most understood. I can feel her pain and she feels mine. We had a great day, but darn it, then I saw my dad’s puffy vest. The vest he wore when he came into my house to comfort me the day I first was diagnosed with cancer. The vest that he wore to my son’s BMX biking race. The vest that he would snuggle me in when I would throw my arms around his belly and hug him. This vest. It got me. 

I have been crying on and off most of the day. I know this is common when dealing with loss, heartache, trauma. I am proud of my tears. It reminds me how hard I fought and how hard I loved. This is good. 

So, as I got home I was alerted to an amazon package that was delivered. I opened it up and it was a canvas that I felt drawn to a while ago. I had forgotten I ordered it. It said,

“They whispered to her, You cannot withstand the storm.” 

“I am the storm she whispered back”

This is me now. My life has been a storm. My whole family’s life has been a storm. But no more. We got this. 

My Marigold, is that saying, quote, scripture, or words that come right when you need it most. To remind you who you are and what you stand for. Was it a coincidence it came today? No, that’s my dad. He talks to me in different ways now. So I make sure I am always listening.