Little Red Wagon

I was pulling a little red wagon with my little curly blonde in it today. Following around, in front of, and zig zagging all around me were my other two. These boys… full of energy, excitement, and in constant motion. This is something that I have not felt in a long time. 

It has been just over 2 months since I finished my chemo pill (last step in this journey we continually pray). Just two months of freedom from heavy doses of medicine flowing through my body. Just two months of freedom in the past 3.5 years for my body to slowly bounce back and rejuvenate. I have wishfully been hoping that my body and mind would bounce back to my 36 year old self. The way I was before my diagnosis, however those years are gone, stolen away by cancer and the fog that I lived in, leaving me 40. A bit wiser, but a lot less energized. A bit sad on days but, then grateful.  A different body and a different mind.  Both good and bad. Things are just going to be different….including today….

Today, for the first time in 3.5 years I had a moment where I actually was able to recognize that I wasn’t worn out and run down! This sounds minimal to most, however today I pulled that little red wagon and walked my three boys to soccer camp, both ways. For the first time, I didn’t think,” I am so worn out.” I didn’t think, “I can’t wait to get home and rest.” I didn’t think about anything except, “Look at those beautiful flowers,” “What great weather it is,” and “Oh my goodness we are here already!”  You see for someone who is or has gone through cancer, while treatment may be finished, your body has been wiped out. Scrapped of all its energy leaving you feeling like a shell of a person. Going through emotions, routine, and dialogue. Everyone around you has moved on and yet you are trying to keep up to the rotating world around you. It hasn’t stopped. But, those of us whose body has been on the battlefield. We stopped. We stopped  because we were too tired to keep up.

Today I kept up. Today I felt so thankful that a part of me returned to me. I greeted that energy with a joyful smile and wanted to write about it. For tomorrow, my energy may slip away again. I needed to remind myself it will come back to me, like my old friend that once brought me so much joy. 

I also wanted to write down a little note to all those fighting or have finished fighting. It’s OK to be tired. Do not feel like you need to keep up and even more importantly do not let anyone make you feel bad about taking that extra nap, or sitting a bit longer, the laundry can wait. Your body needs you now. It needs you to rest so that one day you can pull that little red wagon and smile.  Isn’t that what life’s all about?  You’ve got this. 

Oh it feels so good to write again and even more to think of my marigold. My Marigold is being able to recognize and APPRECIATE my energy today. I am not letting this slip by without acknowledgement. I am so thankful that I had this moment with my boys and that my mind allowed me to see and recognize this success. Get out there and appreciate your day. Fill your little red wagon with blessings. In fact let that wagon overflow.