This is how it left me….

We have done a lot of learning post covid about “big trauma” and “little trauma”.  Little trauma, your toy broke, your car got dented, you failed a paper. Little trauma. Yes they add up and yes they suck and yes they deserve a good cry, a stiff drink, and a huge hug. We dwell, we hysterically cry to a good sad song, and we find a way to move on. Our brain can move on. Our brain has the capacity to not only see through it, but to work through it. This is a little trauma. THEY DO ADD UP. But you don’t constantly live with them. They don’t trigger you to feel a certain way that you talk yourself out of. 

I am often asked, how do you do it? You have been through so much and you’re still smiling. For the most part, my BIG trauma has found its way to stay right where I want it….just below the surface, where it doesn’t creep in, and doesn’t remind me of my  catastrophic loss, my significant changes of my body, at times my mind, and the loss of my old self.  But there are days, like today, where every corner I turn, there it is…that big trauma staring at me like a big green monster. I run away and it somehow scares me from around the corner. I try to dash down the sidewalk barefoot, panically looking behind me like in a horror movie and as I do it stops me in my tracks and stares at me with emotionless eyes. Big trauma doesn’t care that you are working hard to keep your kids happy and fearless or that you are trying desperately to keep your marriage where it once was before the BIG trauma struck. NO, Big trauma doesn’t care. He just keeps reminding you that you have changed, you have lost and quite frankly you will never be the same. So now what? Now you are left there with your hands out on your knees with your head up asking for peace and answers. But the truth is, you have to find a new set of rules, a new set of understanding, a new set of guidelines. Because now, you are different. You have changed.

 Big trauma changed you. You have to accept that some may have changed with you and some may have stayed the same. But You can’t deny that your change deserves you to live the best damn life you can. That big trauma was trying to stop you around every corner to tell you that. NOT to scare you but to yell at you. It’s ok to change things, it’s ok to be changed, you are dealing, you are learning, and you get to be who you are NOW. So there it is. You deal with it. Because damn it if there is one thing you have learned through this big trauma, it’s that you are the boss, you control it, and you call the shots for who you are. Through all this, YOU became you…Emily do you hear that. YOU became YOU. 

I know that many people who read this have had so many BIG trauma in their life. For that I am so heartily sorry. I know how hard it is.  Instead of running from it. Listen. You are the boss. You earn a life worth fighting for and a life worth enjoying. Stare at that big trauma. It’s trying to tell you you can do it. Not scare you.

There are so many moments where I find myself dancing and singing in my kitchen. My kids laugh and sing along with me. It is at that moment that I know they love me. They love me for my big trauma and they will love me for my changes. They are my Marigolds. Every. Single. Day. They see me. They never see that big trauma creeping around the corner. To them he is a big cuddly monster that made their mom who she is. They embrace that big trauma. They snuggle him and talk to him. Heck they probably invite him to stay for dinner!

 Over the past few months I have realized as happy as I am and as successful as I have been, the pain I have felt the past few years has scared me so significantly, that it is difficult at times to relate to people I love the most. People don’t always understand that when you are encountered by a big trauma, you become someone new. So in many relationships, I am having to figure out new grounding. At times, it means people in my life who have known me for over 15+ years, may be meeting me for the first time. That calls for Grace, Patience, and Understanding.  On both sides. 

So, why am I writing about it? I know I am not the only one going through this. I hope this allows you to find some grounding and peace within your big trauma and know that you have permission to be different then you once were. Us “big” trauma folk have had more than one life! We can change along the journey. Heck anyone can. Big or Little. We all have the right. 

So, besides my kids singing with me in the kitchen on the darkest moments…what’s my marigold ( I will never leave you without a marigold) …My Marigold is my big Trauma. You stinkin’ big trauma!!! You Made me someone new. But you’ve made me better. You’ve made me expect more for myself and to never settle. You’ve made me advocate for myself, you’ve made me reach further for my dreams than I ever thought I would, and you made me know what love looks and should feel like. Thank you big trauma for awakening me. Now don’t do it again! You hear me! 

Until next time. Stay strong to your trauma big or small and most importantly stay true to you. As my dad always said, the Truth always finds its way. 

Be your TRUE self. 

Emily